empty

I want to write, but I have nothing in mind.

I want to speak, but I have nothing to talk.

I want to cry, but I found no reason to it.

I want to scream, but my voice stuck at my throat.

Everything just don't seem right.

Every single thing look shabby.

To live but have no aim.

To work but have no motivation.

To die but have no guts.

I don't know for how long it will continue like this.

Everyday is a struggle.

Sometimes I nailed it.

But sometimes I just drown to deeper hole.

To crawl to the light,

it is not as easy as people said.

It is an effort.

Lot of effort.

If you succeed,

people will say you are doing good.

If you fail,

they will blame you for not trying hard.

Damn all the people.

Have they ever been in my shoes?

For now  I admit it. 

I....

Lost...

Coretan 26

Mak
Your daughter here is having difficulty. No matter what I do, I can't keep focus.

I can't attend to assignment
I have no energy for classes
I even lost interest in every aspect of this life

It was hard mak.

Coretan 25

Mom, its been a while huh? Since last time I wrote to u.

To be honest, I want to live without u. I want to be on my self. I... I want to accept the fact that u'd left.

But, it was almost impossible. Really2 impossible. I will never can live without u mom.

Why it was so hurt when I just miss u?
Why it was so hard when I just want to be around u?

It's hurt mom. It really do. It almost torn me apart.

I.. don't know what else to do.
I...miss u like crazy mom.

Coretan 24

Mak.

Timah dah nak kahwin. Tapi napa anak mak rasa macam sedih. Macam... kehilangan? Entah. Tak baik kan anak mak rasa macam ni. I should be happy for my lovliest friend. Tapi...I felt opposite.

Lepas timah, mungkin kak pah pulak akan kahwin. Sedih la macam ni. Lepas sorang2. Lepas ni mesti anak mak tinggal sorang2. Hurm...

Coretan 23

Mak. It was tiresome. Anak mak dah penat. Pergi kerja macam nak gila tapi gaji tak masuk2.

Mak, anak mak nak buat apa ni. Duit dah makin susut. Dalam tangan tak sampai seratus. Dalam bankdah kering kontang. Anak mak dah rasa macam nak nazak.

Mak. Ni semua karma dosa anak mak ke? Beratnya dosa sampai tak tertanggung. Rezeki pun tergantung. Sakit mak. Sakit sangat. Orang nampak benda ni kecik. Orang tak nampak tekanan yang anak mak lalui.

Kadang2 bila dah sesak sangat, anak mak harap sangat ayah tanya "duit cukup tak?". Tapi tu semua tinggal harapan. Ayah tak kan tanya kalau anak mak tak cakap. Dan memang bukan anak mak nak main mintak2 dengan ayah selalu.

Mak. Anak mak nak nangis. Boleh tak? Sakit nya terasa. Bimbangkan pasal duit. Nak g kelas pun dah tak semangat. Sakit sangat3 mak. Nak beli makanan pun berjimat. Apatah lagi nak beli benda lain. Duit memang bajet untuk makan je.

Mak. Anak mak nak buat apa ni? :-(

Tinta Hati 3

Bukan nak jadi anak derhaka. Tapi kalau asyik pendam je lama2 meletup jugak.

Buat salah menangis2 mintak maaf janji itu ini tapi sudahnya sama jugak tak berubah2. Penat. Letih.

Hidup ni bukan sekadar tabur kata2. Depan orang boleh tunjuk baik tapi hakikat---kau sendiri tahu. Aku simpan aib tu. Kalau boleh tak nak sebut. Tapi kalau pantang larang aku pun kena langgar aku pun boleh meletup.

Letih. Lawan kata derhaka. Diam kata tak suka. Habis kau nak aku puja junjung siang malam? Memang tak la kan.

What u give u get back. Sikit tak pernah dari kecik aku taruk cita2 dalam buku sekolah nak jadi anak derhaka. Tapi kau paksa aku.

Moga2 depan tuhan aku ada hujah nk pertahan diri atas kekurang ajaran aku.

Tinta Hati 2

Recently. No. Not recently actually. It has been awhile actually. Something not really ease happen.

To summarize---

Kenapa saya tak suka Kelantan.
---Sebab balik rumah macam gaya tumpang rumah orang. (Rumah kosong tak de orang)
---Sebab orang kat sini terlebih prihatin ("eeh, makin gemuk/berisi/tembam la sekarang." SOOO???!!!)
---Sebab akan 'jumpa' my past... (Tak semua orang suka nak mengenang memori buat gaya #terobek segala. And I one of them yang tak suka tu.)

Urm. Macam pelik tulis dalam point. But they are the truth. Saya lagi suka duduk KL sana SORANG2 jadi #foreberalone daripada balik rumah dan nak kena hadap semua perkara yang tak menyenangkan ni. Sakit tahu tak. Tambah sakit sebab I bukan jenis yang nak meluah kat orang.

Tak semua orang paham kita. People tend to judge rather than understood. Tapi saya tak pernah harap pun orang paham. Just. Tolong respect. Itu aje. Saya ke yang busuk hati? Letih la. Rasa macam nak pergi dari semua ni....